His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Found your dick twin last night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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