sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
COCAINE IS GR8
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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