Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
