How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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