My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hippo gnu deer
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
