I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
