my mouth tastes like poor choices
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
