I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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