I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
