I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
