he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
