meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
