fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
