I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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