I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
