saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
