Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
