How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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