just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
one might say we're banned from that church
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
