I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
