I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
