it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
