i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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