Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
