I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
