I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
