We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
