dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Randomize
