I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
