ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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