I just saw a hot homeless man
I smell stomach acid.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
