3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
