I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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