You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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