Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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