Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
