What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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