I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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