i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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