He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
