i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
