Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
