What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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