I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
