when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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