You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
