I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
