you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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