M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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