He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
