The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
